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worst pickup line a guy ever used on me was, "You have
to go out with me. We were lovers in a previous life."
To which I said, "You've had two lives to work on your
pickup line, and that's the best you've got?"
had it easy. Tossing the cave woman a hunk of mastodon,
he wrapped her in fur, threw her over his shoulder, and
the next morning she was making him haul his ratty rock-recliner
out to the curb. But modern man has it tougher.
about that one?" my friend asks.
1 of the pickup: Staking Out the Territory.
follow Grant's suave and subtle gawk across the crowded
restaurant. It's times like these when my faith in men
is restored. The woman he's gawking at looks more like
Walter Matthau than Pamela Anderson.
like her," I say.
he says, "she's good enough to be seen with in dim lighting,
but if she does blow me off, it's no great loss."
brings us to Phase 2: Putting Up the Protective Force
is about to enter unknown territory. He has no idea if
the female alien will greet him with open arms or jump
down his throat and castrate him with her teeth. The lesson
here for men: Stay aloof but alert.
3: The Pickup Line.
Grant says, waving his empty glass in the air so the waiter
will bring him another courage on the rocks, "what should
I say to her?" Brad Pitt can walk up to a woman, squeal
like a dolphin and she'll have his baby, but your average
guy has to win a woman over with words. And as every woman
can tell you, 99 percent of guys fail the minute they
open their mouths.
of the best lines a guy ever used on me was at the Atlanta
airport. "Excuse me," he said, "but the tag on your blouse
he was wearing a black Armani cashmere overcoat and carrying
a $500 briefcase, I didn't poke his eyes out. As he skillfully
tucked the tag in at my collar, he scanned me like I was
the Venus de Milo. Holding me with his eyes, he whispered,
he walked off.
didn't stop salivating until somewhere over Orlando.
you have to do," I explain to Grant, "is convey in two
simple sentences or less that you're intelligent, successful,
fun-loving yet responsible, cultural but not a nerd, in
charge without being domineering, that you totally respect
her, that you think she's the most beautiful woman on
the planet, you love children and animals, have a great
sense of humor but under no circumstances will you ever
do your Three Stooges imitations in public again, are
close to your mama but aren't trying to crawl back in
the womb, that you love her for her mind but would not
be opposed to her ripping your shirt off ... and," I add,
tossing an olive into my mouth, "make her toes curl."
was thinking more along the lines of, 'Hi. My name is
Grant. You're not the love of my life, but you're better
than nothing,'" he mumbles.
4: Most Couples Meet Through Mutual Friends.
I say, standing at the woman's table. "My friend, and
I use the term loosely, would like to take you to dinner."
sideways, the woman gives Grant the once-over.
don't think so," she says, shaking her head.
makes six figures, drives a new Volvo and owns his own
home," I say. She leans sideways again.
she sighs, pulling out her lipstick, "he's not the love
of my life, but he's better than nothing."