In
today's complex world of family issues, there's no better
time for Dr. James Dobson to put to work his lifetime
of practical experience in dealing with family problems.
*Also Available in Spanish
Sample
Column
ADOPTION MEANS BECOMING THAT CHILD'S 'REAL' PARENTS
QUESTION:
We have an adopted girl who came to us when she was 4
years old. She is very difficult to handle and does pretty
much what she pleases. For us to make her obey would be
very unpleasant for her, and frankly, we don't feel we
have the right to do that. She has been through a lot
in her short life. Besides, we're not her real parents.
Do you think she'll be OK if we'll just give her a lot
of love and attention?
DR.
DOBSON: I'm afraid you have a formula for serious
problems with this girl later on. The danger is in seeing
yourselves as substitute or "stand-in" parents who don't
have the right to lead her. That is a mistake.
Since
you have legally adopted this child, you are her "real"
parents, and your failure to see it that way may be setting
up the defiant behavior you mentioned. It is a common
error made by parents of older adopted children. They
pity their youngsters too much to confront them. They
feel that life has already been too hard on them, and
they must not make things worse by discipline and occasional
punishment. As a result, they are tentative and permissive
with a child who is crying out for leadership.
Transplanted
children have the same needs for guidance and discipline
as those remaining with their biological parents. One
of the surest ways to make them feel insecure is to treat
them as though they are different, unusual or brittle.
If the parents view such a child as an unfortunate waif
to be shielded, he will tend to see himself that way,
too.
Parents
of sick and handicapped children often make this same
mistake. They find discipline harder to implement because
of the tenderness they feel for that child. Thus, a boy
or girl with a heart condition or some serious illness
can become a little terror, simply because the usual behavioral
boundaries are not established and defended.
It
must be remembered that the need to be led and governed
is almost universal in childhood, and it isn't lessened
by other problems and difficulties in life. In some cases,
the desire for boundaries is actually increased by other
troubles, for it is through loving control that parents
build security and a sense of personal worth in a child.
Returning
to the question, I advise you to love that little girl
like crazy -- and hold her to the same standards of behavior
that you would your own flesh and blood. Remember, you
are her parents!
QUESTION:
I have a friend whose children drive me crazy when I'm
around them. They are the most undisciplined brats I've
ever seen. We can't even talk when they are around. I
would love to help my friend with a few disciplinary tips.
How can I do this without offending her?
DR.
DOBSON: When you want to point out a flaw or shortcoming
in someone else's behavior or character, you do it the
way porcupines make love: very, very carefully. Otherwise,
you're likely to lose a friend.
Pointing
out parenting mistakes in others is even riskier. You're
liable to get your ears pinned back for trying it -- even
when your motives are honorable and you have a child's
interest at heart. That's why I never offer unsolicited
advice about other people's children, no matter how badly
I think it is needed.
If
you insist on telling the other mother what she doesn't
want to hear, let me suggest that you first invest some
time and effort in your friend. When a relationship of
confidence has been carefully constructed, you'll have
then earned the right to offer her some gentle advice.
There
are no shortcuts to this process.
